The Monkey’s Penis Ch. 1

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David Moreno finds things becoming surreal as a relic of antiquity collides with his everyday life. He finally figures out what is going on and tries to turn the tables. But watch out …

See No Evil: Contains sexually explicit and politically incorrect material. If you shouldn’t be reading this, or if it might offend you, simply stop now.

Legalese: All actors and actresses are over the age of consent. Proof of age is on file. Any similarity of any character, event or place to any actual person, event or place, is purely coincidental. This is all fantasy, and the actors are all professionals — do not try any of this at home.

Archiving: You are welcome to discreetly repost or archive this, just do not change it, steal from it or claim credit for it.

Author’s Rambling: This story comes in two parts, a yin swing and a yang swing — the acolyte at the beginning of the tale will tell you that this is the way of the universe.

Live well!

11. One Mother of a Bus Ride

— — —— — – — —-

(Author’s note: This one is a little odd. Don’t say you weren’t warned.)

Lisa Diaz looked out the window as the buildings rolled by. She was taking the bus across town to meet her sister, Tina, then the two were going to go shopping for an anniversary present for their parents. Lisa had followed her sister’s example of not even trying to do the car-at-college thing. Even if you could afford the payments and insurance, you had to be a pit bull to get a parking space on campus.

Lisa smiled: Tina apparently liked being carless so much that she still hadn’t gotten one even though she graduated a year ago.

The bus slowed for the next stop. That was a good thing: old lady Carnahan was driving today, and Lisa wasn’t entirely sure that she didn’t sometimes plow over people to rack up points for some devilish “score” she kept in her head.

Bored, Lisa glanced at the people boarding.

Wow. Three pregnant women, all of them wearing bikinis. That was unusual. Especially in a land-locked town like this one! She averted her eyes so as not to stare as they bellied by.

As they passed her seat, she glanced back over to see who else was boarding and … her eyes widened.

She quickly looked away. That boy’s nose had to be ten inches long! He HAD to be a frat brother doing some type of joke or something! Slowly, she slid her eyes back over for another look.

He was crouched over, staring at her, nose still ten inches long … but buzzing …!

Suddenly, his tongue flicked out of his mouth about a foot and a half, quivered a second, then sucked back into his mouth. He looked at her expectantly.

“Eeeeewwwww!,” she heard her mouth say before she even willed it to make that sound. Good mouth.

Looking disheartened, he moved further back up the bus.

Thank God!

The final newcomer looked relatively normal, but he slid into the seat beside Lisa despite there being numerous empty seats around.

“Excuse me,” she tried politely, “I’m saving this seat for my sister. She’s getting on just a couple stops ahead.”

“Don’t worry. You won’t nişantaşı eskort mind me sitting here long.”


“How about those three preggers walking around practically naked? Have you ever seen anything that strange?”

Lisa rolled her eyes: pushy people. She’d just tell him to move again when her sister got on.

“And how about that WEIRD-looking guy? I mean, his nose had to be out to, like, here!”

“Do you … do you know what’s wrong with him?”

“Oh, sure. He laps muffs. But he sure does look funny.”

Lisa frowned. She wasn’t sure if he had just said something dirty or not.

“And did he show you his tongue?”

“Yeah,” she frowned. “What’s with that? Is he playing a joke or something?”

“No, the tongue’s for real. And if he showed it to you, that means he likes you. I hope you smiled back at him so as not to hurt his feelings.”

This guy was as weird as the tongue guy.

“Remember I asked you if you saw the three ready-to-pops? They’re all three mine. I done ’em.”

She frowned at him, and he grinned expectantly. (Author’s note: I’ll claim the pun.)

“Want me to do you?”

“Ms Carnahan!” Lisa bellowed.

The bus driver’s eyes flicked up in the mirror, then she pulled the bus to the curb. “That boy bothering you, lady?” she called, looking back up in the mirror.

The boy beside her stood and started walking toward the front of the bus. Ms Carnahan stood and stepped to the aisle. She growled something as the boy stepped in front of her. He pulled something from around his neck and showed her, then turned and started walking back.

But it wasn’t Ms Carnahan behind him anymore. Instead, it was a twenty-something redhead wearing a hot pink string bikini, her hands at her boobs, squeezing, her face registering surprise at the incredible jolts of pleasure they were sending her brain.

And she was pregnant.

The boy walked back and took the seat beside Lisa again. “Better get back to driving, so we’re not late to our next stop,” he called.

The redhead shook her head dazedly. “But I’m puddlin’ up here!” He ignored her, so she crawled back into the driver’s seat and started the bus moving again.

“That bus driver was quite a looker in her younger days, wouldn’t you say?” the boy asked.

“Ms Carnahan … never looked like that … there’s just no way.”

“Ah, I helped a little bit. But, still,” he gestured toward the front, “she provided the basic model I started with.”

This was just … bizarre!

“She looks better carrying, don’t you think?” She looked at him, bewildered. He smiled and held up a stick. “And it’s mine.”

Lisa suddenly knew that she needed to get out of here. Now. Or something bad would–

“Would you like– ” his hand darted to her abdomen.

And Lisa had a vision.

It was three years into the future, on a beach. Lisa was a nine-month ready-to-pop, wearing a string bikini like the other women on the bus. As a matter of fact, the redhead that seemed to be a younger Ms Carnahan was there with her, and she was untying her bikini top.

“Gotta escort bayan şişli get some sun on these milky things,” she smiled. Lord, her nipples were big and dark! And … but Lisa reminded herself that she wasn’t lesbian.

Lisa looked down at her own swollen breasts and found herself giggling. “Me too.” She removed her top and found her own nipples much darker than their usual light brown.

A man in a dark shirt with a white collar walked up to the two. “You two jezebels should stop strutting your sins upon this beach!” he shook a book at them. “A decent girl would know the name of her baby’s father! And every welfare check you draw, you will be scabs upon society, squandering that which has been earned by hard-working, God-fearing GOOD people!”

“This belly belongs to David Moreno, preacher,” Lisa snapped at him. But who was David Moreno? “And there will be no welfare, you fanatical tight-ass. This is a cosmetic pregnancy.”

“A what?!” he frowned.

“This pregnancy is just for looks. No baby is coming out of here. I’ve had this belly for three years now, ever since David made me look this swollen.

“You … you blaspheme!” he gasped.

“Oh, shut up and have a drink, preacher!” She grabbed her boob and squeezed, shooting him in the face with milk. Within a few moments, he was on all fours on top of her, sucking famishedly at her teat while she giggled.

Another bigot saved, she smiled.

Then she was back in the present. David Moreno — she knew that to be his name now — was beside her, smiling, his hand on her belly.

She looked down. Sure enough, she was swollen, looking like her water would break any minute now. She looked back up at him.

He nodded, then moved on to the next female on the bus.

Lisa traced her hands over her abundant belly. God, she was beautiful! She was practically glowing!

She sat there, radiating, through the next couple stops, while David went from woman to woman, impregnating each with beauty.

Soon enough, Tina boarded the bus. Lisa smiled and waved.

“Hey, little sister. How are you do– what HAPPENED?!”

Lisa ran her hands over her round belly. “Isn’t it wonderful?” she beamed.

“Is that a pillow?!” Tina pulled up her sister’s blouse, but that revealed only swollen abdomen. “What the hell happened?! Who knocked you up?! And how … so fast?!”

“Sit down. Let me tell you about it.”

Tina sat.

“Isn’t it wonderful? I’m going to look like this forever! All swollen and beautiful. And these!” She lifted her blouse up further than her sister had to reveal big naked milk-swollen boobs. “Oops,” she giggled. “Guess I lost my bra when David made my belly swell!”

“Who is this David?! And what has he done to you?!”

Fingers tapped Tina’s shoulder and she looked around. Lisa grimaced — it was that tongue boy again. Tina’s eyes widened at his nose, then recoiled when his tongue flicked out.

“Scat!” Lisa flicked her hand at him.

With a pathetic look, he lumbered away.

“What was THAT?!” Tina asked.

“I see your sister joined us,” David stepped kağıthane eskort back to their seat and smiled.

Lisa looked up the aisles, at the pregnant women stroking their own bellies or fondling their own boobs.

“Do her too, David! She’ll be so pretty preggy.”

Tina stood, wriggling by David and began backing toward the rear of the bus. “What are you doing to these women?! What have you done to my sister?! You stay away! Don’t touch me!”

“I don’t have to touch you.” David held up the penis.

In the blink of an eye, Tina’s belly was swollen to popping, her jugs milk-filled, her mane of dark hair longer and fuller … and a glow about her.

A pint of juices splashed to the floor.

“Her water broke!” Lisa clapped her hands.

“No, pregnancy just makes her really horny.” David held up a red silk thong. “And I took her panties.”

“Ooohhh …,” Tina shivered, then lifted her skirt and reached up beneath it. “Oh, this is NICE!”


Edward Deviney stood on the corner outside of Lyons and Hartcliffe law offices, smoking a cigarette. It was pretty out today, and this almost made up for having to stand out here in the snow to smoke during the winter. Almost.

The way Edward reckoned it, it was all a plot. Chronic stress caused 90% of today’s illnesses. Like air supersaturated with moisture, stress was just waiting to rain down as disease in today’s lifestyles. All it needed was something to condense out on. Maybe cigarettes could cause it to condense out as lung cancer; maybe jogging could cause it to condense out as an enlarged heart or as disintegrating hip joints.

If he told this to ten people, nine would immediately write it off without a second thought as him rationalizing his own lack of willpower.

But if cigarettes DID cause cancer, then simply explain this: as the incidence of smoking has dropped since the 1950s, why hasn’t the incidence of lung cancer dropped at all? Could it be that there’s actually another culprit? Like, say, air pollution regardless of cigarettes?

Could it be that stress causes all manner of disorders and if you eliminate cigarette smoke, the stress just finds another irritant to precipitate out on?

But … it’s much easier to stand on a pulpit and pound your fist against cigarettes than it is to change people’s lifestyles and ultimately the whole concept of a stress-filled technological society.

Yes, much better to convict the innocent hobo than to try to take down the guilty-as-sin high-ranking politician. Don’t confuse the simple-minded jury with niggling things like “truth.”

Edward dropped the butt and stomped it out with his foot.

He didn’t give a second thought as the city bus pulled up. Not until the twenty-three pregnant women all wearing string bikinis stepped off it.

One of them even pulled up her bikini top and flashed him a lactating boob, giggling.

Lisa and Tina walked up the street proudly, intending to show off their new figures.

Then Lydia Moreno stepped off the bus, wearing a bikini, but at least not pregnant. She was followed by two other women, a young man and a half-human thing.

“Hi, Eddie,” Lydia giggled as she walked past him.

“Hi, uhm, Lydia. Kelsey said you called in sick.”

“And who says I’m NOT sick?” she giggled. “And twisted?”

She entered the building.


(To Be Continued)

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